technical difficulties

I was trying to keep the whole audition thing a secret. About a week ago, I realized that in order to keep some secrets one has to be willing to lie. I wasn’t willing to lie about this so it all started unraveling. I think for the best. Last week’s lesson shattered me a bit. More than a bit. I can’t put my finger on what exactly it is that he says or does, but I almost always leave his office “less than”.

Tonight, I had a little snack with my biggest competition. 

She is a beautiful bassoonist who I think sounds quite a lot like me, but with better technique. I can’t say this to my family. They hear “I suck, so-and-so has way better murmurmurmur than me.. I should just give up!”. I’m not being negative or defeatist. She just does. She has worked damn hard to hone that technique and deserves the praise. I have never been a strong technical player. I have hated working on technique because I never noticed how much easier it could make everything else. Almost twenty years after picking the darn instrument up, I am finally beginning to realize this simple truth. Technique is good. It’s not all there is, but it makes the rest of it sooo much easier.

ANYWAY! I’d been a tad disheartened since the lesson. Tonight cheered me right up and got me excited again. I’m not the only one who gets the wind knocked out of her sails at lessons and that knowledge is amazingly comforting. I came home and practiced.. and had fun! After all the $$ we shelled out for lessons and the commitment I’ve started towards maybe-kinda-sorta-probably starting my Masters next year, I had begun to fear that this step was a terrible mistake. Maybe sticking close to Jessie and talking this stuff out is all the remedy I need. Even talking about the audition was therapeutic. I’d been holding so much in and now, everybody knows and I’m still ok. Made a mountain out of a mole hole and got my stress shoved up my…..